Miserable
by macstooge
Summary: Squall can't handle being Cloud's boyfriend when he's always on the road, so he breaks up with him. CloudxSquall CloudxLeon CloudxFans SquallxSeifer LeonxSeifer - ANGST ALERT/YAOI/SMUT I owns nothing but my writing style.
1. Miserable At Best

**First A/N EVER**

**Songfic - Miserable At Best by Mayday Parade**

**I own nothing, blah blah blah, I wrote this because I couldn't not write an angst based on this song, blah blah blah.**

**Enjoy (in case you're confused, Axel sings back up so the bracketed lyrics are his)  
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The stadium's crowd roared in excitement as the lights flickered on and off on the stage, showing a glimpse of a lone figure standing in the shadows. "Oh my fucking god! Cloud!" A random fan screamed, stampeding through the sweaty and sticky bodies of the other people in the mosh pit. The fans waited with bated breath, eagerly straining their ears for the telltale sound of the band to start. Agonisingly slow moments passed until the silence broke with a strum of an electric guitar causing the crowd to break into a frenzy of catcalls and screams. With the crowd's uncontrolled screaming, the high powered stage lights flickered on permanently this time, illuminating the blonde that stood previously in the shadows. "Ahhhh! Cloud!" Another fan shouted, jumping up from the crowd excitedly. Turning around, the blonde known as Cloud whipped around to face the crowd with a winsome and half hearted glare. The once eager and excited crowd began to slow their movements, noting the usually exuberant lead singer stalked his way to the microphone stand with an animalistic and feral look in his eyes.

Clutching onto the microphone, Cloud's body shook as emotions ran rampant, his thoughts turning dark. His boyfriend of four years, Squall Leonhart, had dumped his sorry blonde ass about seven hours earlier under the premise that he was never home and the brunette was always afraid of him cheating. The blonde could feel a stray tear slide down his cheek, no doubt smudging the careful eyeliner that had been extravagantly drawn on by the lead guitarist, Axel. Taking a deep shuddering breath, Cloud murmured a soft hello into the microphone, his voice choked with despair and desperation as he looked out into the crowd that stood silent, watching their idol break down in front of them. "I'm sorry, my boyfriend broke up with me today, so this concert might not be too fun for you guys." Cloud whispered into the microphone, with a saddened smile crossing his face. "He was a fucking idiot!" A male fan shouted, breaking the silence with his angry outburst. The blonde cracked a slight smile and nodded at his fan. "You're right. We have new unreleased songs that you'll hear first." He replied, the depressed smile still plastered on his face, marring his beauty. "I hope you like it." Cloud murmured, pulling away from the microphone to wipe his cheeks free of the falling tears.

Axel threw a concerned look at his friend, knowing he must feel like shit, everyone had offered to ditch their concert and have a night in, comforting the distraught blonde when he had shrugged his shoulders, tears streaming down his face and said "The show must go on." almost nonchalantly. Starting up his guitar, the redhead turned his gaze to his beautiful blonde boyfriend sitting behind the drums who wore a look of pained concern as well. Shaking his head, Axel turned to their bass player, Demyx who was biting his lower lips as he started strumming along the neck of his guitar in tune to the song that Cloud had written earlier this afternoon. The blonde had pulled himself away from the microphone stand and meandered over to the piano that was set up especially for this song and sat himself on the uncomfortable seat with a soft whimper that didn't go unnoticed by the crowd or his band members. Adjusting the microphone that sat on the piano in a flexible metal stand, Cloud licked his lips nervously as he tapped the microphone gingerly, making sure it worked and with a soft sigh, he began to play the piano, the torturously gentle and soothing notes tugging on everyone's heart strings.

With a slight humourless chuckle, Cloud opened his mouth to sing the first line, his breath and voice wavering with emotion. _"Squall, don't cry. I know you're trying your hardest and the hardest part is letting go of the nights we shared."_ The blonde sang, his fingers hitting the keys expertly as he played the tune by heart, closing his eyes as he lost himself in the notes that were meant to reassure his boyfriend in a tender love song, now a song to explain how well Squall would do without him and how the blonde's world came crashing down around him in a humbling shatter of broken dreams. Cloud could feel the beginnings of another onslaught of tears creep slowly down his cheeks and fall onto the keys of his piano as he continued to sing, his heart unintentionally throwing itself into the words. The crowd didn't make a sound as their idol continued to break down behind the piano as he sang the sickeningly sweet heart breaking song designated for his now ex lover. _"Let's not pretend that you're alone tonight, (I know he's there and) you're probably hanging out and making eyes (while across the room, he stares). I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor and ask my boy to dance and he'll say y-yes." _Cloud sang, his voice breaking ever so slightly on the last word as he imagined Squall accepting another guy.

Axel's gaze flicked over to the blonde who had stopped both singing and playing the piano as a heartfelt sob sounded into the microphone. "It's okay, Cloud!" Another fan shouted, trying to encourage the blonde singer who had now begun to cry, only managing to start playing the piano again. Swallowing, his dry throat choked on the lack of saliva in his mouth as he tried to sing again, not bothering to wipe away the free falling tears_. "Because these words were never easier for me to say or for him to second guess but I guess that I can live without you but without you, I'll be miserable at best."_ Cloud sang, his words drenched in despair and hopelessness as he tried to sing past his feelings and failing.

_"You're all that I hoped I'd find, in every single way and everything I could give is everything you couldn't take because nothing feels like home. You're a thousand miles away and the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay because I know I'm good for something, I just haven't found it yet...But I need it."_ The blonde continued, his angelic voice hitching every now and then with an inaudible whimper. Eyeliner running down his face along with the tears that wouldn't slow, Cloud knew he looked awful. He almost regretted it until he heard his fans sing along with the chorus, their voices joining almost perfectly in support of their idol. A soft saddened smile graced his lips as he nodded, grateful that his fans understood and supported him. Cloud didn't know if he could make it to the end of the set list but he was going to try for the thousands of people who relied on and looked up to him.

With a deep breath, Cloud moved to the next verse, his fingers effortlessly keeping the tune though they were shaking from the despair coursing throughout his veins_. "And this will be the first time in a week that I'll talk to you and I can't speak. It's been three whole days since I've had sleep because I dream of his lips on your cheek and I got the point that I should leave you alone but...we both know that I'm not that strong." _The blonde sang, furiously blinking away new black stained tear drops that fell sadly onto his piano keys. Cloud felt his throat close up and signalled to Axel that he couldn't make the next chorus as his head drooped defeated over the piano.

Nodding, Axel moved to the front microphone and took over the last chorus, continuing to play his instrument, without missing a beat. _"Let's not pretend that you're alone tonight, you're probably hanging out and making eyes. I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor and ask my boy to dance and he'll say yes."_ Axel sang, his heart nearly breaking at the emotional lyrics but he kept a straight face throughout the last verse, knowing his tears wouldn't help the blonde in any way. _"Without you, I'll be miserable at best."_ The redhead sang, ending the song with a sigh of relief. He didn't know how much more he could take of the painful song or his friend's heart wrenching sobs. As soon as the song ended, the crowd exploded in applause and shouts of encouragement towards the blonde. Axel smiled as he flicked his gaze over to the singer who had stood up, crying openly as he smiled at his fans. Demyx looked at Roxas before indicating to a few fans that had their cell phones out, recording the precious moment, no doubt to later upload the video to YouTube. The smaller blonde seated behind the drums would have been angry if the video wouldn't come in handy later on. "Okay, we're gonna let Cloud go take a breather, so you're stuck with me and my average voice." Axel jokingly said to the crowd who erupted in a mix of concerned shouts for the blonde and excited squeals for the guitarist singing.

Squall opened the link that Aerith had sent him over Facebook, expecting it to be a DIY video of gardening when he read the caption; "Lead Singer of Ragnarok Has Breakdown During Concert". Clicking the play button, the brunette sat as he watched his ex boyfriend stalk towards the microphone stand at the front of the stage. He watched, his chest tightening as he saw the first lone tear slip down the blonde's cheek, ignored as the boy muttered a hello into the microphone. Squall was close to shutting the computer down when he heard one of his ex boyfriend's fans scream that he was an idiot. The brunette laughed as he felt a tear run down his own face, his chest continuing to tighten painfully as he watched the blonde wander to his piano and seat himself, adjusting the microphone so it sat in front of his mouth. He and his heart were in no way prepared when the blonde began to sing, noticing that his usually even voice wavering with emotion. _"Squall, don't cry. I know you're trying your hardest and the hardest part is letting go of the nights we shared." Cloud sang, his fingertips hitting the piano keys shakily._ With a hiccupping sob, Squall covered his mouth with both of his hands, surprised by the blonde throwing his name into the song like that. The brunette hadn't expected the blonde to be so affected by the break up, he had thought he was the only one that even cared. "Cloud..." Squall whispered, his heart breaking again at the sight of the blonde's blackened tears and the sound of his pained sobs in between his heartfelt singing. Shutting his laptop with an angry 'click', the brunette sat on his bed, sitting in a huddled human shaped ball as he cried for the umpteenth time that day. "I'm sorry." Squall murmured, rubbing his tear soaked eyes against the sleeves of his sweater.


	2. The Memory

**A/N - This story basically writes itself haha **

**Disclaimer - I don't own anything but the actual story itself, the lyrics belong to Mayday Parade (The Memory - Mayday Parade)**

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As Cloud walked off the stage, he felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, he was going to have to go home and get his things soon. It was the second last night of his tour and it would only be a few more days until he was in his hometown where his now ex boyfriend would be waiting at their house. With a sigh, he sat himself on the steps that led back to the stage, knowing that the redhead would get bored of singing after one or two songs. Cloud bitterly listened to the crowd cheering and singing along with Axel, jealous of their seemingly carefree lives, attending concerts, clapping and screaming all the time, it seemed like fun unlike this hell he was living. Sighing again, the blonde picked himself up off the stairs after a good long ten minutes of feeling sorry for himself and meandered back to the stage to finish the show.

It had been three days since the tour had ended and Ragnarok had received an overwhelming amount of support from their fans, cheering and encouraging the blonde front man. Cloud was surprised when Aerith had linked him to the video taken during the concert and set forward to incorporate the shaky live footage into the official video for the song. The tour had gone considerably well given the fact that Cloud broke down every time he managed to approach the microphone, petrified by the iconic symbol and the memories that it arose in the blonde. It was Squall that had pushed him to make it to the big leagues, supporting him through his fears and nervousness, it was Squall that had bought him his first microphone, it was Squall who had inspired the blonde to write his songs and now he was gone, causing Cloud to break down as the memories of his relationship washed over him.

Axel sighed as he watched the blonde look lifelessly out of the passenger's window, silent and brooding at the flash of greenery passing by his eyes. They had just managed to get off the airplane, and into Axel's beaten up black SUV, stashing Roxas and their gear in the back,avoiding the paparazzi with relative ease. The redhead had offered to take him home, knowing that there would probably be a physical scrap between the two men. Rolling to a stop, Axel turned the engine off and pulled his seat belt off, looking over to the blonde who had done the same and was now crawling out of the car. With a sigh, the redhead looked to his own blonde boyfriend who shrugged his shoulders and opened the back doors of the van. Axel frowned as he clambered out of the car, slamming the door shut behind him as he walked around to the back, noticing Cloud had already grabbed his suitcases, making his way over to the silent house. Roxas bit his lower lip, worried about the older blonde, knowing that he had given his all to the brunette who threw it back in his face.

Cloud quickly grabbed his suitcases and stalked towards his house, unaware of the concerned stares of his band members and friends. He reached the porch sooner than he had expected, noticing a white envelope stuck to the front door. Dropping his suitcases onto the wooden porch, the blonde advanced and snatched the paper off the door, ripping it open furiously. _"Cloud, you can have the house. I've taken my things and I'm going home. All the best, Squall."_ Cloud snarled at the letter, crumpling it in his hand before pulling his keys out of his pocket and unlocking the house. Stepping into his once familiar home, the blonde's anger ebbed away as he took in the empty and cold feel to the once shared house. The brunette had left every single piece of furniture, every DVD and CD, the band memorabilia, everything in the front room, kitchen, rec room and bathroom was there, even the brunette's shampoo and conditioner were in their usual place. Shocked, the blonde raced up the stairs to their once shared bedroom and flung the door open, taking in the presence of their king sized bed and drawers and bedside tables. Cloud stepped into the room and wandered over to the empty closet where his lover's clothes were kept. It had seemed that Squall had only taken his clothes, wallet and belts, leaving the rest to Cloud and the house.

Axel looked to his blonde boyfriend before sighing and walking to the house. He knew he would have to do damage control, expecting the older blonde to freak out about the house but as he stepped into the lonely house, he noticed that everything was in its rightful place, even items he knew that the brunette had bought sat, covered in dust, in their place. Roxas had followed after his boyfriend and gasped at the full house, expecting it to be completely wiped out. "He didn't take anything?" Roxas asked, racing into the kitchen and second lounge room. Axel shook his head in a silent response to his lover and looked up the stairs to see the master bedroom's door open. "Come on, Rox." He murmured as he climbed the stairs. Roxas nodded and followed his boyfriend once again, taking in the fact that even sentimental items were left behind, the portraits of the two scattered over the walls and photo albums left on the coffee table.

Pushing open the cracked bedroom door, Axel saw his close friend standing in the middle of his bedroom, looking lost. "It looks exactly the same but it feels different." Cloud murmured, acknowledging the fact that the redhead had entered his room. "He only took his clothes, Axel. Nothing's gone, nothing's changed, except me. I'm just here, alone." The blonde continued, sinking to his knees, looking around the room, desperately trying to reattach himself to the once loved room. Axel sighed and walked over to his friend, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. "It'll be okay, Cloud." The redhead muttered, uncomfortable by the eerily familiar yet cold room. Roxas entered the room finally, his boyfriend not blocking the door way anymore and wandered over to the dresser. He noticed with pity that the brunette hadn't even taken any of his anniversary gifts from the blonde, the lion head necklace sitting lonesome on the top of the dresser. "Just go. I want to be alone." Cloud whispered, shrugging the redhead's hand off his shoulder. Rearing back, like he had been bitten, Axel frowned and conceded, taking Roxas' hand and leading him out of the silent house and shutting the door with a soft click. The smaller blonde turned however towards the house, his chest heavy with both pity and concern for his cousin. Resigned, the blonde turned away from the house when he heard the older blonde begin to scream and throw things against the walls. "Come on, Rox. He needs to sort this out himself." Axel murmured, tugging the short boy along to his van. Nodding, Roxas opened the passenger's door and climbed into the car, with a yearning gaze back to the lonely house.

Cloud waited until he heard the front door shut softly before he got up from his position on the floor and stalked over to the open closet and knocked the wooden wardrobe over, delighting in the sickening crack of the wood. Though the relieved feeling only lasted a few moments after, the blonde quickly took to throwing the brunette's things across the room, smashing and shattering the belongings, trying to break the memories of the brunette in the bedroom and throughout his house. Cloud sank to his knees once again though, as he fought not to cry once more. Squall was cruel, leaving not only the memories of him throughout the house but also items that when the blonde picked them up, he would remember a long forgotten memory, how he had troubles buying the lion head pendant for their first anniversary, resolving to buy it for his boyfriend after hitting it big. Cloud released the shaky breath he had been holding, the first tear slipping down his cheek. Snarling, the blonde hastily wiped away the sign of weakness and made his way to his studio, the room next to the once shared bedroom.

As Cloud entered the dusty room, he was overwhelmed by the memories of sitting in the booth, his brunette lover cooing as he crooned sweet and nonsensical lyrics to him, strumming his guitar peacefully. Frowning, the blonde slammed the door shut and entered the booth, ripping one of the acoustic guitars off the wall and sitting down on the lone black bar stool. Cloud shrugged the strap of the guitar over one of his shoulders and began looking for his black note book and pen that he kept in the booth. Finding it on the piano nestled against the far wall of the room, the blonde flicked through the pages, finding half written love songs and rough sketches of his ex littering the pages. Snarling, Cloud quickly opened a new page and began writing the next set of songs for their latest album.

It had been around seven hours since he had holed himself up in the studio and Cloud had finished the first song, including a basic melody for the guitar. Readjusting himself on the bar stool, the blonde brought the recording microphone to just in front of his mouth. With a soft sigh, Cloud began strumming the guitar, the sad melody playing without lyrics for a good while, as he tried to get the feel of the song. Finally happy after playing around with the music, Cloud opened his mouth and began to sing as he started the melody from the beginning again. _"He is everywhere I go. Everyone I see. Winter's gone and I still can't sleep. Summer's on the way, at least that's what they say but these clouds won't leave."_ Cloud sang, blinking away the tears that had lain dormant finally spilling down his cheeks in an unrelenting emotional waterfall. _"Walk away. Barely breathing as I'm lying on the floor. Take my heart as you're leaving. I don't need it anymore."_ The blonde sang, his voice rising and shaking ever so slightly from the raging storm of emotions that rumbled inside him. Cloud could feel the ghost of Squall sit next to him, nodding his head in time to the tune's beat, a soft smile playing upon his full lips. Turning his face to get a better look, he watched as the memory vanished in a misty wave. _I'm going crazy_, Cloud thought to himself and laughed manically, returning to his song.

_"This is the memory. This is the curse of having too much time to think about it. It's killing me, this is the last time. This is my forgiveness. This is endless." _Cloud continued, refusing to allow his voice break as he sang. Finishing up, the blonde didn't even bother to listen to the song as he saved it to a folder, not wishing to alert his band members of his workaholic like state. This was meant to be their one week vacation before they all met up and began to work on their new album but Cloud couldn't let himself relax, the house weighing down on his almost helpless psyche. The blonde sighed as he left the computer and went back to writing, humming the tune of the song he had just written.

"I'm telling you, Axel! We have to keep a close eye on him or he's going to go crazy!" Demyx shouted, slamming a short glass onto the bar's bench top a little drunkenly. The redhead sighed in defeat and nodded. "I know, Dem. I know this but he wants to be left alone." Axel stated, reminding the drunk blonde of their friend's wishes. "Yeah, so he can fucking neck himself!" The dirty blonde cried, smacking his head against the black bench top. "Ax, what's up with Dem?" A tall woman asked, wiping the counter around the depressed bass player. Axel glanced up to see the bartender, Tifa Lockhart, flash him a look of genuine concern. "Cloud got dumped and he's holed up in his house." The redhead murmured, knowing that the black haired girl would take this information to her grave. Tifa gasped and dropped her only slightly dirty white cloth onto the bar. "Is Cloud okay?" She asked, her hands taking place settled against her curvy hips, the look of concern mixed with shock. "No, he's not but what are you going to do?" Axel said, with a humourless chuckle. Tifa frowned at the redhead before she picked up her cloth again. "Why don't you just get Cloud a pretty little thing to obsess over for a while?" She suggested, grabbing the now passed out dirty blonde by his hair and wiping the bar underneath his forehead. Axel gave her a weird look before he nodded. "Okay, thanks Tifa." The redhead murmured before he excused himself, dragging the drunk Demyx along behind him.

"What do you mean "help you"?! Ax-baby, he's not going to want to fuck someone! He just had his heart broken." Roxas shouted over the cell phone, disturbed by the drunken phone call from his boyfriend. "Oh come on, Rox. You said you had a friend that was crazy over him. Just let him touch his boy parts for a little bit." Axel pleaded, making kissy noises at the phone. Roxas rolled his eyes, knowing his lover couldn't see him and admonish him for it. "Fine. But only once am I going to do this." He stated, venom lacing his words. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Axel shouted, excited by his boyfriend's willingness. Rolling his eyes once again, the blonde hung up on his drunk better half. _This isn't going to work_, Roxas thought to himself as he bit his lower lip, in concern.


End file.
